Chapter One Hundred Sixty-Seven: Ma’am is a critic…

When one is little, there are dreams of being a ballerina, fireman, rock star, etc…I have always dreamt of being a movie critic. Imagine watching films for a living and then writing about them. Sitting in a dark theatre eating sweets, munching on popcorn, JuJy-fruits, nonpareils, whatever your fancy. Watching a film, AND getting paid for it!

There were these two guys Siskel and Ebert. They watched movies, wrote about them, and had a show where they discussed the film. I was in awe. Being the expert on whether people should go to a certain movie or not. They in my eyes had the perfect job!

As it happens, life goes on. My dream of being a film critic was merely that, a fantasy, like one, has as a child as say an astronaut. That is until Amazon! Not only can you shop whilst in pajamas, watching Amazon Prime(the company is sooo awesome it even has its own network!), and drinking wine, (the pj’s and boxed wine you ordered from Amazon itself! The irony is not lost on me.) But, you can also give reviews of the purchased products that people will actually read! It’s the closest thing to becoming a movie critic! It makes one feel powerful if say; Alice in Ohio is debating whether or not to buy the bejeweled cell phone holder based on your review. My review could be the only thing holding Alice back from”add to cart”. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as I type my reviews. The immense pressure of bearing my soul, my opinion if you will on Amazon is MASSIVE! Before I push send, my stomach flutters. I imagine this is how Siskel and Ebert felt before a big movie critique.

I picture sweet Alice from Ohio. Sitting in her favorite chair. Her index finger hovered over the “Buy Now” button. It is a lot of responsibility! Her hopes, dreams, and aspirations of the potential bedazzled phone case cover that is on the cusp of being hers is an insurmountable responsibility.
Could be the wine, but my guess is my childhood dream of becoming a movie critic has kicked in and Fido’s newly purchased poop bag holder rests upon my shoulders and that’s not a position I take lightly! Martha from Nantucket is having serious doubts about this purchase. I hope to sway her with my five-star commentary. I write: “How clever is this poop bag carrier? Two in one! Flashlight attached, no more searching for the doggy deposits in the dark!” (I chuckle at how proficient I am in my review!).

I jump next to my assessment of Women’s athletic yoga-type pants with the disclaimer “Let your vagina breathe”. I hope that I can convince Mindy from Scranton who is debating whether or not to purchase these vagina-breathing yoga pants to “DO IT!” My wish is that my enthusiasm for these yoga pants conveys! I share with my readers how comfortable and free I felt(along with my va-jay-jay in these pants!) I tried to narrate the evaluation from my vagina’s point of view. My interpretation of the Vagina Monologues if you will. My narrating vagina sings the praises of these breathable yoga pants without oversharing too much of the landscape of one’s netherregions as so many yoga pants do. There is no camel-toe situation as well. Mindy tells me that she will order them in all the available colors and she is super excited about her new purchase. I tell Mindy and her vagina to keep me posted.

I continue my diatribe of reviews sharing with Tammy from Buffalo that “She HAS to purchase the organic makeup remover cloths! That is life-changing.” I detail how it’s like getting a mini-facelift all at once.” They are INCREDIBLE! I proclaim. I imagine Tammy from Buffalo clicking on: “Add to cart” because of my powerful words.

In my head, I am the Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker of Amazon reviews. I am on a roll and I have Tourette-reviews syndrome. I share with Harry in Vegas that he should most definitely stay away from the hair clippers that are supposedly pet friendly as well. (Somewhere there is a photo floating around, of Confused Husband and the dog looking like the cast from Dumb and Dumber after their home haircuts.)

I feel like an Amazon celebrity! Harry thanks me profusely like I have just donated a kidney. I tell him crisis adverted! and, I point out that he won’t have to be shopping on Amazon for a wig or hat to hide his and his dog’s home haircuts. I feel like the Amazon Oprah!
Piper pipes in from Orlando that she has purchased items based on my reviews and has been HUGELY disappointed. I am GOBSMACKED! Why is Piper raining on my parade?! I type (rather aggressively) “Which reviews?” She responds: “Mostly all of them!” Piper is more like a pipe bomb blowing up my situation. I try to be the diplomat and enquire: “Could you be more specific?” I feel the beads of sweat dripping down my brow.

She has a novel worth of complaints for me. Like a bratty kids’ Christmas list. Items run from A-Z. It’s as though Piper has been stalking me! I have no words, I picture Piper in a stained bathrobe which is her everyday outfit, chipped coffee mug in one hand and her phone in the other. Piper had dreams. They were squashed when she got knocked up on Prom night of her junior year. Now, divorced from her high school sweetheart Grant who works in Ikea to pay child support to their two kids. Piper lives in a generic apartment that houses mostly college students. She is dismayed by her lot in life. Piper takes out her life’s disappointments by becoming a cyberbully, and I am her target.
I try and diffuse the Piper bomb from obliterating my Amazon review career into a short-lived 15 minutes of fame type situation. I choose to ignore her and hope my non-interaction will curb this situation. I continue with the all-important task at hand.

I move on to the organic lavender hand sanitizer. I profess my love for the smell, feel, and handy spray bottle this comes in. I share with Doug from Shreveport that “Once he buys this item he will never go back to another kind of hand sanitizer.” (I secretly wonder if any of the companies that I am giving positive, glowing reviews to will send me freebies like the fashion houses do for celebrities). I am a connoisseur of Amazon reviews and I feel empowered! Having bundles of items sent to me would just add to the euphoria I am feeling as a critic.

Frank who hails from Milwaukee, leaves me a glowing review. He says that based on my five-star comments about the orange pistachio lip gloss he bought the entire set! Hand lotion, bath, and shampoo as well. Frank claims that his lips have never been so kissable, and well, I will take his word for it. Frank shares that complete strangers sniff him and compliment him on how great he smells. I smile proudly, as I feel responsible for Frank’s new happiness. The saying: “The pen is mightier than the sword”. Flashes through my mind. I like Maya Angelou am changing lives with my words. Frank is achieving sniffs of happiness and goodness based on my opinion.
I scroll through my purchases and see what I can review next. I noticed Lucy from Pensacola is wavering about committing to purchasing the embroidered jeans I bought last year(that have YET to arrive from China.) I jump right in and inform Lucy that Sassy-Jeans based in Beijing is NOT the place to order embroidered jeans from. She thanks me profusely. An hour later I receive a message from Mr. Ho. He claims to be the President and CEO of Sassy Jeans Incorporated. He tells me that he is saddened to hear of my unfortunate Amazon experience with Sassy Jeans. I write back that I have been sending DAILY correspondence to try and resolve this issue for a year. Not until Sassy Jeans received a bad review from me did I hear back. Mr. Ho promises to personally mail me the jeans I had already ordered himself. I won’t hold my breath.

Clyde in Philly has questions about the fancy cookie cutters I ordered over Christmas. I share with Clyde that albeit beautiful, the metal cookie cutters are sharp and can cut fingers when pushing down on them. I have almost lost several digits in my cookie-making skills. I suggest wearing gloves when using them. I advise Clyde to also order the cooling garden gloves I had ordered and wound up using those when I need to work with the cookie cutters. There is a two- for one sale, so one pair for, the cookies, and the other for the garden. Clyde praises me as though I have just discovered Penicillin. I am happy to be such a beacon of hope for Clyde. I realize how important my reviews are and so I forge ahead.
Dana from Denver is stressing if she should purchase the laundry mesh bags in three sizes. I brief Dana on their various sizes and how awesome they are to put in fine washable, and delicates. I inform Dana that her laundry life will be forever changed. I could never go back to doing laundry without them. Dana tells me that she has just purchased them! I feel my excitement build. I fantasize about turning this into a full-time career. Getting free items would be the icing on the cake. Would I have my own page on the Amazon website? The possibilities are endless. I decide to try and locate Jeff Bezos, email and suggest this to him. I turn to E-News and am informed that currently Mr. Bezos and his paramour are living it up in Ibiza. He definitely won’t be checking his emails.

I wonder then, if I should create my own aspirations website based on my reviews? “Dear Amazon Abby…” Must marinate this but continue reviewing as the potential consumers need my professional assistance. Helen from Hoboken is questioning how much of an impact the retro outdoor fairy lights will change her life. Helen from Hoboken, where do I begin?! These lights add just what you need to your outdoor fete. They glow the perfect amount illuminating your outdoor space as though you had hired a professional lighting designer to come in and install them. These lights will be the talk of your party, and no one will remember the bad potato salad or lack of decent wine. I admit to Helen that I bought two sets because, in my opinion, one can never have too many fairy lights. Helen is THRILLED! She decides to purchase three sets and even invites me to her backyard soiree in Hoboken. I consider going like a famous person making an appearance. I wonder if I could get paid for my visit.

Hours later, I am depleted of boxed wine and snacks. I feel as though I have just run the Boston Marathon. Being a critic is NO JOKE!
I am changing lives! Confused Husband informs me that my Amazon shopping has gotten out of hand, I explain that it is research for my future career. He retorts that if I continue with my Amazon obsession he may have to find a second job. He bellows about the stew of nonsense items that I have purchased. He has no concept that this is all part of my future burgeoning career. I need to spend money to make money! The anti-Amazon Critic career path rant continues. I no longer hear what he is saying. I am wondering if Kevin from Poughkeepsie is going to cancel his order for the Yodeling pickle, based on my viewpoint. (I didn’t actually purchase this nutty item, but just the description alone made me feel like I had to intervene and save Kevin from Poughkeepsie from an imminent divorce if he follows through with this ridiculous purchase.

I would LOVE to give Confused Husband an Amazon review. It would go something like this: The pants look good on the model. You think if you purchase them, you will look ten pounds lighter too. So you buy them and wait with excitement for their delivery. The anticipation builds as you try them on, and the reality of what you are stuck with hits you like a ton of bricks. You are a walking sausage. There are no refunds, no exchanges! You are stuck with these pants. Pants for life! Your mirror of truth is saying: “Yes, your butt looks fat.” Avoid purchasing this item at all costs. Yes, that would be his Amazon review…