Chapter fifty-nine: Is Ma’am a Madam?

Wynn is still somewhat disoriented.  He sits on the curb and eats his bread from his giant doggy/human bag.  He notices the reporters across the street. I ask him if he knows what that is about.  He looks at me incredulously and shouts:  “The murder of the Lead beater!” I ask Wynn what the big deal is.  It is not like a panda or giraffe was run over!”

Wynn jumps up and shouts to the reporters:  “The Lead beater murderer is here!” he points to me. The cameras swing around and zoom in on me.  A few of the reporters attempt to run across Connecticut Avenue towards Wynn and me. I jump into my car and zoom away.  I watch Wynn in my rear view mirror being surrounded by reporters and pointing at my car.

Blanche directs me to pick up Anastazie at the infamous Mayflower Hotel.  I pull up to the front, in climbs a wealthy, older, socialite, with an eastern European accent. She reeks of smoke and perfume.  There is something mysterious about her, and I am intrigued.  She is also wrapped in a mink stole, and it is almost 80 degrees out.

We are headed to a private residence in Virginia.  She is on the phone with someone named Yuri.  She seems to be yelling at him in her native tongue.  After she hangs up, she begins a conversation with me. I find out that Anastazie is from Prague and she has lived in DC since the cold war.  She came here with her now deceased husband, Igor. I find her fascinating!

Halfway out to the burbs in Virginia we stop. I explain to Anastazie that I have PWPBS or PBS for short. She informs me that the only PBS she knows is the TV station that Downton Abby is on.

“Omg! I LOVE Downton Abby!”.   We talk about Mary and her snobbery, and poor Edith!  I tell her that if Confused husband had screwed up financially as much as Lord Grantham did, I would not be as forgiving as Cora. I would have revoked Confused husband’s green card and sent him packing!

We both use a restroom at a little mom and pop market. Anastazie, in her fur, looks so out of place in this place, surrounded by cans of chili, cheap snacks and overpriced toiletries.  I introduce her to this slurpee type drink. She gets grape, I get cherry.

Back in the car, we cheer and suck them down. I tell Anastazie to take it easy on her slurping. It is too late. Anastazie recoils in brain freeze pain! She flails around in her mink, cussing me out with her purple stained tongue.

I explain what brain freeze is. Anastazie makes me throw out the rest of her drink. She is hungry, so I buy some French burnt peanuts. She wolf’s down a huge handful and I hear a loud crunch. Again, Anastazie writhes in pain. Now she has cracked a tooth!  She opens her mouth, and part of her right front tooth is missing. She looks like a highbrow hillbilly. I tell her to smile and I snap a picture. She cusses me out in her native tongue, and says in English this is no time for a photo shoot!  I inform her that I am sending the pic to Mel, my dentist.  I send it to him and genius that he is responds in a text. “Why are you sending me pics of a toothless Russian hooker?”

I text back: “Anastazie is not a Russian hooker, but a Madam from Prague.”

I ask Mel what can be done for Anastazie’s tooth.   He says he has to see her in person. I explain that we are on our way to either her client’s house or her pimp’s. Mel tells me to call his office tomorrow morning to set up an appointment.

We head towards Anastazie’s destination; she keeps looking at her mouth in her compact.  I tell her that Mel, my dentist will look at her tooth tomorrow sometime. She seems satisfied with that. We arrive at her destination. I am about to burst and tell Anastazie that I need to use the loo.

We enter this enormous mansion. My entire DC row house could fit in the foyer of this place! There are gentlemen in suits mingling about. They all seem to be eastern European. I am escorted to the loo by a guy named Nikoli. After, I am escorted back to the parlor. Anastazie is there holding court. Even with her chipped tooth, she is still alluring. The gentlemen surrounding her are hanging on her every word. I don’t know what she is saying, but I find it fascinating! She notices me and smiles. Nikoli appears at my side again, with a plate of food and a glass of wine for me.

I observe Anastazie and the hypnotic state she seems to have over these overweight, hairy men. They are almost in a trance. I have NO idea what she is saying, but I nod my head along with them.   I notice she points to  me a lot, and they turn,  look at me and laugh.

Confused husband calls and asks me when I am coming home as it seems One too many has an Open house at school that I completely forgot about. I explain to Confused husband that I am at a mansion with a bunch of Eastern European Johns and a Madam having wine.  He sighs into the phone and tells me that I need to head home. I tell him that I am considering becoming a Madam because the salary seems really good.  Confused husband retorts that in order to be a Madam, one needs to have sex, and based upon his experience with me that’s a strike against me. I let Confused husband know that when I am a wealthy, famous, Madam he will have regretted taking this tone. He barks “Hurry home!” and hangs up.  I tell Anastazie that I need to go. I give her Mel’s contact info. We promise to keep in touch and agree to meeting for lunch sometime over the next few weeks. I ask Anastazie about me perhaps becoming a Madam too? She looks at me incredulously and spews out a novel in her native tongue. The only thing I understand is Holiday Inn.  The Johns around her laugh. I retort that I would like to a work at a high end hotel like the Four Seasons.

Nikoli bursts out laughing and says something and then Howard Johnson.  Everyone starts to laugh. I chug the rest of my wine and exit. On the way back, in the car I call Mel and tell him that Anastazie needs all her teeth pulled and wants dentures….