Chapter One Hundred Thirty-Three: Ma’am and Bitcoin…

Confused Husband is obsessed with Bitcoin. Lately, he has had tales of Bitcoin. He tells them like he is Captain Ahab, retelling the tale of; how he caught the Great White Whale. Before I am just about to fall asleep, he regales me with another Bitcoin situation. 

First, I have no idea what Bitcoin is. Second, I don’t care. He goes into great detail and, it puts me to sleep. I doze off to him saying, ” It’s a digital wallet and, all you need to open your wallet and start spending is a password! (says the man who relies on our teen son, to input all of our passwords, and can’t even figure out how to log on to the computer! Yes, I can see this ending well..)

The next morning, he continues his Bitcoin diatribe. I want to stab him with my fork. My eyes are glazing over, I yawn. He becomes EXTREMELY insulted! He bellows: “Bitcoin is the future! you better educate yourself on how to use it!”

“Look,” I inform him. “You know I can only handle American currency and, even that’s a struggle! Do I need to remind you about the checkbook situation of 2000? Remember the Turkish Lira fiasco? Or the British Pound debacle?” He shutters when I say these things to him.

“Do you honestly think I can handle invisible money?” He clucks his tongue.” It is not invisible currency! It is virtual currency!” He bellows.

 I take a breath and state my point: “Okay, whatever, to me, it’s just as fake as Monopoly money! Plus, look how bad we are with passwords! We never remember them and have to rely on One Too Many to even log on to the computer! Are we going to have to depend on him every time we want to withdraw Bitcoins for, let us say a bottle of wine? And, are there Bit dollars? Because I don’t want a wad of change weighing my pockets down, making me look bigger than I am. Plus, I don’t want to fill up my cute small purse with coins and not have room for my lipstick! Also, I haven’t seen any cafe that says pay with Bitcoin! Does this mean we have to find a Bitcoin-friendly shop? That would be highly annoying and inconvenient! “

I stop to catch my breath. I am no Pollyanna and he should at this point many moons into our marriage know this. I continue like I am Perry Mason arguing my defense.

“Plus you, know how I hate counting out coins! Do they have 20 dollar Bitcoins or, is one Bitcoin equal to one dollar? That’s a lot of coins’ I have to carry around. It sounds exhausting! “

He glares at me and cusses in Turkish. (Yes, I WILL stop all of your dreams if they are this ridiculous!)

Then he goes on another Bitcoin tangent. I shush him and tell him I am “Trying to watch Meghan and Harry complain to Oprah about how hard their lives are, from their fifteen million dollar mansion!” I also ask out loud: “I wonder if they paid for their mansion with Bitcoin?”

He stops and looks at the TV and says: ” I bet Oprah knows about Bitcoin!”.

Hours later, we are taking a walk. I suggest we stop for a glass of wine and begin to search for a Bitcoin-friendly cafe…