Chapter One Hundred Forty-Two: Once Upon a time… Ma’am’s travel nightmare begins…

Here is your first fairytale my sweet, precious granddaughter Arabella. It is different from most fairytales. It is more like an episode of The Office or Seinfeld which Gramsy will introduce you to in the future.
Once Upon a time, Gramsy went on a trip. Traveling across the pond for the most important day EVER! Your birth! Gramsy was at the airport beginning her adventure. Gramsy is like Charlie Brown(who by the way, you will learn about and grow to love as time goes by). Back to our story, at the airport, Gramsy’s excitement builds! She ignores her lack of breathing and sweaty face in the mask. (Silently cursing the exorbitant amount she had spent on this promising, NO FACE SWEAT lotion! she purchased from QVC, will introduce you to this cult when you are older!) -Gramsy will look to *sue(it’s not just a name) on her return, Tiffany the overly excited sales-girl, who took Gramsy’s order and MONEY over the phone, swore that she wore it in a Triathlon and didn’t break out in a face sweat. Gramsy imagines that perfect Tiffany NEVER sweats a day in her life anyway.
Tjigs at the airline check-in desk informs Gramsy that amongst her RIDICULOUS cluster of papers. She is missing the final page of her Passenger Locator form. WTF?!!!! (You will learn this acronym when you are a teenager). Gramsy sifts through her HUGE amount of papers (equivalent to the size of War & Peace which, you will probably have to read at some point in your life.) Gramsy hears the guy behind her in line sigh dramatically. (He BETTER NOT be Gramsy’s seat companion!) Beads of sweat are dripping onto her papers. Also, you will come to realize that Gramsy is technically challenged and has a hard time(especially under pressure to work her phone). It took a while but, Tjigs found the needed document in an email on her phone(you will also learn about emails-not to be confused with REGULAR good old-fashioned mail that you can physically hold and touch.)
FINALLY, Gramsy boards the plane! Of course, Mr. Dramatic Sigh is her seat companion! But Gramsy is next to the aisle, so Mr. Dramatic Sigh has to climb over her to get out of the row. He must have bladder issues, and like you, should have diapers on. Gramsy has several glasses of wine and finds out that the reason her ticket was soooo cheap is that they don’t feed you on the flight. You have to buy your food. The selection offered is like a glorified vending machine. Of course, Gramsy’s credit card doesn’t work because Confused Husband AKA YOUR GRANDFATHER forgot to inform the credit card company that Gramsy was headed, overseas. Gramsy has to use her other card, thankfully, it works because SHE informed them of her travels.
There is NOTHING on the glorified vending cart they are pushing up and down the aisle that appeals to Gramsy. She finally settles on a bag of pistachios. Her obnoxious seat companion begins to huff and puff like the Big Bad Wolf and dramatically climbs over her and heads of course! to the loo. Good ridence!
Also, Gramsy has no movie screen but the well-seasoned traveler that she is, she brought a book. Whilst enjoying her book, wine, and pistachios, a message comes over the loudspeaker:
“Dömur mínar og herrar, þetta er fyrir farþegann sem pantaði pistasíuhneturnar. Vinsamlegast slepptu því að borða þær þar sem við höfum nýlega fengið tilkynningu um að einn farþega þinn sé með ofnæmi fyrir hnetum. Vinsamlegast farðu með pistasíupakka þinn til næsta flugfreyju til förgunar og farðu síðan í vatnskápinn til að þvo hendurnar vandlega. Við þökkum aðstoð þína í þessum alvarlegu læknisfræðilegu aðstæðum.” Translation:” Ladies and Gentlemen, this is for the passenger who ordered the pistachios. Please refrain from eating them as we have just been notified that one of your fellow passengers is highly allergic to nuts. Please take your pistachio packet to the nearest flight attendant for disposal and then proceed to the water closet to wash your hands thoroughly. We appreciate your assistance in this serious medical situation.”
All eyes are on Gramsy, as she does what feels like:’The walk of shame”.(This is NOT something you EVER need to learn about!) It’s as though she is carrying a bomb down the aisle. There are whispers, pointing, and people turning away. (It is a STEW OF NONSENSE! )Gramsy hands over the “apparently” toxic pistachios and demands her money back! After all, she paid ten Euros(whatever that is in dollars) for a tiny bag and only got to eat a few handfuls. The perfectly coiffed flight attendant who probably doesn’t sweat one drop! according to her name tag, Helga informs Gramsy that this is not possible. They also spray Gramsy with some kind of disinfectant so she won’t carry pistachio dust through the air. The disinfectant smells like the weed killer one uses in the garden. As she returns to her seat, Gramsy feels like Pig Pen(one of the Peanut gang from Charlie Brown, as a plume of DISGUSTING smoke, follows her.)
Mr. Dramatic Sigh is INDEED the passenger with the nut allergy and has returned to his seat looking like a goldfish out of water with puffy cheeks and bulging eyes. His neck is also extremely red and swollen. He gives Gramsy the NASTIEST look and mutters. Honestly, Gramsy could care less at this point and is FAMISHED! Routing around in her tote bag, she finds a box of Altoids and begins to eat them like they are a cluster of grapes. She may be starving, but at least she will have fresh breath.
Also, because Gramsy’s ticket was so cheap (THANKS Grandpa!) meant her flight wasn’t direct. Landing in Reykjavík which, is the capital of Iceland. Inside the airport, the passengers entering from other places, are treated like criminals. Forced into this glass cube to stand and wait for the connecting flight to London. There are no seats, and it is standing room only. Gramsy feels like an animal at the zoo. It is hot in the cube, and Gramsy desperately needs the loo. After an hour and a half. (yes, you read that right.) Gramsy and her fellow passengers are ushered to a bus. The bus literally drives around the airport and winds up back by the cube. The plane that had been sitting near the cube is the one they are instructed to walk towards. Once on the plane, and seated an announcement, is made: “Afsakið óþægindin dömur mínar og herrar. Við þurftum að sótthreinsa flugvélina úr pistasíu rykinu. Vélin er skýr núna og við höldum áfram til London.”(Sorry for the inconvenience ladies, and gentlemen. We had to disinfect the plane from the pistachio dust. The plane is clear, for taking off now, and we will continue on to London.)
Hundreds of eyes are upon Gramsy. She is exhausted, smelly, hot, and famished. She doesn’t care! Soon she will be in the UK meeting the most precious angel.

Several hours later, Gramsy arrives in London. Of course, this has to be a struggle as well. They have lost Gramsy’s luggage! All of the special treats she has brought you are in there! Gramsy is on the edge! “Put a fork in her! she’s done!” This as, they say, is “The straw which broke the Gramsy’s back.” Gramsy begins to sob uncontrollably.

At customs, they question her like she is a terrorist about the: “Pistachio incident.” Gramsy is losing patience with these numbskulls(trust in this, you will meet plenty in your life!).
Several hours later, she is released, from the Pistachio interrogation. From there, she heads to file, a missing bag report with Baggage Claim. Filling out a swarm of papers and unable to understand what the gentleman is saying to her between his accent and his mask. Gramsy just nods yes to everything. She makes a list in her mind of what she refers to as her “Revenge” list. Your Grandpa AKA Confused Husband is first, followed by Dramatic Sigh seat companion. Helga is third. This guy who is blathering on about the slim chance they find Gramsy’s bag is in a tie with Helga. He asks for a description of my RIDICULOUS Keyser Söze bag. I describe how this bag CANNOT be missed with it’s tacky surf board art scene on the outside. I can tell from his eyes he has NO idea what I am talking about. I attempt to explain that this bag CANNOT be unseen. It won’t “Just blend.” After this awkward, useless dance of a conversation, Gramsy is released from the airport and finds your father waiting. Let the stew of nonsense begin!


To be continued