Month: September 2016

Chapter forty-nine:Ma’am and Farmer Man bun part deux…

After my ride from hell with Nurse Ratchet, I decide to treat myself to a baked good.  Heading towards the city, I see a cozy little bakery about 15 minutes away from Nurse Ratchet’s home.  I enter this quaint little country bakery. The aroma of goodness wafts into my nostrils.
To my surprise standing behind the counter is Farmer Man bun!  He is placing giant cinnamon buns on a tray and I laugh about the irony of his giant hair man bun!   All it needs is frosting and voila!

I decide to buy a half a dozen buns to bring home.  If they are not well received than I can always use them as book ends or a door stopper.  Farmer Man bun asks me how my friend who was lost is doing.  I inform him that Nurse Ratchet is certainly not my friend.  I share with him about her bruising and the frozen fish sticks all caused by that giant culprit on his head. 

I let him know that I expect Nurse Ratchet to be suing the two of us because of her injuries.   Farmer Man bun tries to pretend that he is no part of this.  I remind him that it is his man bun which caused grievous injuries to Nurse Ratchet.  He tries to flip it on me. I explain that having PWPB syndrome is not my fault!  I had to pee as ironically did Nurse Ratchet.

Farmer Man bun points out that he didn’t drive Nurse Ratchet into the woods and desert her there, leaving her to pee alone in the woods and become lost.

I retort to Farmer Man bun that perhaps due to the large appendage on the top of his head, maybe it’s depriving his brain of oxygen.  I include in my lecture that I am not a camper and even I found my way back to the car.

I try to direct the conversation back to his man bun and the possible looming lawsuit.  I advise Farmer Man bun to get an attorney and exit with my enormous buns (the ones in the bag not my ass).

I head back toward the city, trying to imagine if the giant buns would make a good coffee table…

Chapter forty-eight Ma’am flew over the cuckoo’s nest… Nurse Ratchet is just as thrilled to see me as I am to see her. She gets into the car saying “Just my luck!”. I find out that I am driving her to some little town all the way out in the back woods of Virginia. Blanche lets me know that Nurse Ratchet’s drop off point is 35 miles away a good 50-60 minute ride. I also know that at some point I will have to pee. I realize that if I have a PWPB episode that Nurse Ratchet will witness it first- hand! Perhaps then she will allow me back in the rest home to gather my data. For a while we ride in silence. We are on a back country road. I have to pee. I ask Nurse Ratchet if she knows of a place that has a restroom I can use. She snickers and says “No”. I decide to pull over. There are woods all around. From the middle console I pull out napkins. Nurse Ratchet begins her abusive tirade towards me. I inform her that I will pee and then we will get back on the road. I exit the car and tentatively look around. It is an isolated area. The terrain reminds me of a swamp. I am wondering about gators lurking. ( Must Google Are there gators in Virginia?).Nurse Ratchet is glaring at me through the car window. I continue my hike deeper into the swamp. I hear strange noises and am waiting for either a scene from the movie Deliverance to occur or an episode of When Wild Animals Attack. I hear my car horn honking, and know that Nurse Ratchet is the culprit. Finished, I hike back to the car. Entering the car, I brace for the diatribe of abuse. All is silent. I find an empty backseat. Fleeting thoughts of some back road maniac who kidnapped Nurse Ratchet crosses my mind but, knowing her personality that is ridiculous! The keys are in the ignition and the car is still running. Scrambling out of the car I begin to holler for Nurse Ratchet. All I hear in return are insect and animal noises. I am unsure of what to do. I call Confused Husband and tell him that I lost one of my passengers. He is uninterested and unconcerned. He is of no use. I hang up and decide instead of hollering out “Nurse Ratchet: to call out “Wanda”. There is an eerie silence. A good 20 minutes later I hear an engine approaching. A guy with an ENORMOUS man bun approaches on a tractor. I can’t help staring at his man bun. I am surprised because of it’s weight he doesn’t topple off his tractor, this thing needs it’s own zip code! I see movement behind his man bun. Nurse Ratchet climbs off the tractor shouting at me. It seems Nurse Ratchet had to pee as well. She ventured into the swamp and got lost on her way back to the car. Farmer Man bun found her. She is furious with me! I point out that I wasn’t the one lost. She runs to the car and hops in back. I reluctantly thank farmer man bun for returning Nurse Ratchet. When I get back in the car, Nurse Ratchet is bellowing into her phone about me. She hangs up and tells me she needs ice. I tell her I can blast the ac. She informs me that she has bruising on her face from the farmer’s man bun. Apparently, every time he hit a pothole with his tractor his man bun whacked her in the face. I turn and look at her. There is obvious swelling. A few miles down the road, we come across an old gas station and convenience store combo. I pull in and run in for ice. The toothless guy at the counter tells me they have no ice. I tell him this is inconvenient, that he should rethink calling his store a convenience store. The only frozen item I can find are fish sticks from 2000. I toss them to Nurse Ratchet and continue driving. She freaks out on me. Demanding to know what is she to do with frozen fish sticks? I ask her if that’s a trick question. I tell her in lieu of ice, she can hold them on her man bun swelling. We speed down the non -descript country road. Nurse Ratchet is finally silent, holding her frozen fish sticks on her face. I broach the subject of me coming back to the senior home for my PWPB data. She tells me that I am banned from the home! Blanche informs me that we are a mere 5 min away from Nurse Ratchet’s drop off. FINALLY!!! I peel into her driveway. She scurries out with her frozen fish sticks for which I paid. I end the ride; give Nurse Ratchet three stars and head back toward the city and civilization.

Chapter forty-seven: Ma’am and the seniors…

Blanche navigates me to a local senior center.  Inside I see several people in wheelchairs watching reruns of “I Love Lucy”.  I dub this room God’s Waiting Room.  I decide to interview some of these seniors and their bladder issues.  I ask them to sign a petition I have brought about forming the PWPB agency.  I get two signatures before I see a familiar face.  Sitting in the corner is Ernest, Aka Rolff!   I run over to greet him, en route I am interrupted by Nurse Ratchet who informs me that I need permission from the director of the home to be here if I am not visiting anyone.  I inform her that I am visiting Ernest aka Rolff.   She asks him if I am visiting him.  He stares at me than calls me a nincompoop.

I swear it is easier for El Chapo to break out of prison than for me to get this petition signed.  I attempt to explain to Nurse Ratchet how I am here on a humanitarian mission for all PWPB’s.  She instructs me to exit the property before she calls the police.  I hop in the car and turn on Blanche.  Literally, a second later Blanche chimes to let me know that I am picking up Wanda who is 200 feet away. Wanda turns out to be Nurse Rachet.  Great, this is going to be a miserable ride….