Confused Husband tries to Mansplain a sports event to me. This is unrequested by moi. I could care less about some neanderthal’s chasing after a ball as they knock the crap out of each other. Confused Husband fancies himself as a witty raconteur. This is up for debate. He is also really bad at remembering people’s names. Hence he has given my friends monikers. We have “Sophie’s Choice” whose name is Sue and she can’t make a choice to save her life. At least he got the S part right! It can take what seems like years for her to make any kind of decision. It is like living through the real life version of War and Peace with the length of time that passes waiting for her to decide on something. When we are in restaurants and she has to order it becomes the MOST annoying thing! Confused Husband SWEARS he watched the entire Scarface movie on his phone while we were waiting for her to decide what kind of dressing she wanted on her salad. Another example, my friend well let’s call her “H” is referred to as “The Holland Tunnel”. She is in her late fifties single and has lots of visitors passing through her tunnel. He dubbed her this moniker years ago, as she likes to talk about her”visitors”. Then there is the extremely wealthy friend. She complains about ridiculous things like her cleaner ( full time) forgot to iron her sheets. He has christened her “Thinks she’s Oprah”. She sends me pictures of her exotic trips and says things like “Wish you were here!” I couldn’t even afford the suitcases she travels with let alone the airline ticket!
Next we have the friend designated “The Librarian”. She always has her nose in a book and is constantly suggesting chic rom com books for Confused Husband to read. For example, he will come into the room asking “Where are my glasses?” She will say: “This sounds like the book I am reading! Desperate Passions! George is legally blind and loses his glasses on a double decker bus in London. Sara the American who is a famous ophthalmologist finds them!” She becomes extremely animated while narrating this RIDICULOUS scenario. I watch as Confused Husbands eyes glaze over and he goes into”The Zone”. I know this look oh too well, as it crosses his face frequently whilst I am trying to have a conversation with him.
Another friend whom he knighted the “Winds of War” because of the endless hot air she spews, and her always wanting to cause conflict and war.She is constantly trying to debate. His go to example is one day he came into the kitchen and I asked him if he wanted a coffee? He asked for tea. She went on a confrontational rant about how coffee was offered but he asked for tea which wasn’t on the table, she then challenged him to a cantankerous conversation about his selfish need for tea when he was offered coffee and should be grateful for the offer in the first place. He muttered on his way out that this is why she was divorced and her ex absconded to Scandinavia and deleted all of his social media to escape from her.
Then there’s the “Phone-A-Holic.” She calls and rambles on and on and I could( and have) literally put the phone down and come back and she is still yammering away much ado about nothing. He laments on how these woman are so tiresome like he has to hang out with them. My friends that he does like are usually the ones that he actually makes an effort engaging with. He is also annoyed like it’s my fault that the majority of my friends do not have husband’s!He blames me that they are divorced or never married! I could say the same for the majority of his motley crew as they are perpetual bachelor’s over fifty. Still wearing ill fitting sports shirts and living like they are straight out of college in their poster ridden Ikea apartments. I love my single friends way too much to set them up with his friends. I am like George Costanza never wanting my two world’s to meet. It would be a disaster! Our conversations go something like this:
Confused Husband:” Did I tell you that I saw “The Winds Of War” at the grocery store and she was arguing with the manager about The Pillsbury Doughboy having white privilege? Then at Starbucks I had to hide because “The Librarian” was in there holding her mock book club to her captured audience aka the other customers.” “Thinks she’s Oprah” added me to her thread from her safari, all day wild animals were showing up on my phone it is ANNOYING as hell!”
Me:” Well, please tell your friends I am NOT having another laundry tutorial! They are GROWN men and they still can’t figure out a washing machine! Also, “Mr. Casanova” keeps liking “The Holland Tunnels” Instagram stories and you need to inform him that he has a snowball chance in hell of zipping through that tunnel!”
Yes, these are our friends….
Out Of My Head! 