Chapter fifty- five: Ma’am and Kim jong un

After my run in with Relish last night, I was furious. I also told Confused husband he could sleep with the fake palm tree in the guest room. What ever nonsense that was about, had nothing to do with me. Relish lets me know that I will probably be brought in for questioning very shortly. I say to him: “Sure!, let me know when!” in my most cheerful voice. I am also not appreciative that I overheard Confused husband and One too many discussing how awesome it would be to go back to the safe house, and asking Relish what were the odds of that happening?

Chapter fifty-four: Ma’am is in trouble again…


Chapter fifty -three: Ma’am the lobbiest?


Chapter fifty-two: Ma’am drives to the Big house

The next morning, I decide to drive a destination drive to the Big house. I plug in the prison address and immediately have two passengers headed the same way .My first passenger is Colby like the cheese. I inform him that Colby is one of my favorite cheeses. He makes a face at me, so I switch the subject and ask him why is he headed to the Big house? He tells me that his brother works there and he is going to have lunch with him . I inquire if there is a food court in the prison, and to they have good choices like in the mall? Colby looks at me like I have just asked him to help me rob a bank. He says no that he eats in the employee cafeteria.

We arrive to pick up Z. She tells me that she is going to visit her boyfriend. I ask what is he in for? She says he stole a car. I tell her I am disappointed as I hoped he was a serial killer( I am thinking about my book!). Z wants to know what is wrong with me? Colby mutters “a lot!” I do not like the way this convo is going, and I may need these two for my book. I try and change the subject and tell them that I am headed to the Big house to visit my subject for my book. I tell them that they may be in the presence of the author of the next great American novel: The  Lord of the Fly or Grapes of Wrath. Z and Colby ask me exactly what I am referring to? I express my dismay that they are unaware of these classics. They both begin whispering in the back. I decide to ignore them like I did when the kids were little and started to act up on road trips. I put in a Michael Buble cd and begin to sing along.

Finally, we arrive at the Big house. I inform my passengers to meet me here in an hour for our return trip home.

In the Big house, I am patted down and have to wait for them to go and fetch the Costco squatter. A few minutes later, I am face to face with the Costco squatter. He sits across the table and addresses me with obscenities. I attempt to explain my idea and the NYT best seller that I am going to write about him. He seems to mull this over. I also explain that he needs to do his part and infiltrate the prison system. I suggest that he watch the movie. The Shawshank redemption to start. He snaps that did I think there was a Red Box vending machine or HBO here?

I explain that when I was wrongly incarcerated, my dwelling had movie nights and perhaps he could look into that?

He shouts some more obscenities at me, and as he walks away, he gives me his list of items to bring him next time I visit.

Outside, whilst waiting for my two passengers I look over Costco squatter’s list. He wants English Breakfast tea bags, chocolate, Ritz crackers, Organic smooth peanut butter, chap stick, Law School for Dummies book, and boxer/ brief size LG underwear.

I am shocked that the Costco squatter expects me to buy him organic peanut butter! Does he know how expensive this is? I do not even purchase it for one too many!

Most of these items I have in my home. Fortunately, Confused husband enjoys the boxer/ brief convo as well.( He won’t miss a few pairs).But, Costco squatter is going to have to deal with a jar of Jif or Skippy peanut butter after all, he is lucky I am bringing him anything because of the way he yelled at me!

My two passengers from before arrive and we head back to town. I try and engage them in some tidbits for my book. They are both tight lipped and aloof. I ask of they are upset because they aren’t allowed to have conjugal visits? Colby asks why would he want to have conjugal visits with his brother? Plus his brother WORKS there, and is not an inmate! I explain that obviously my question was for Z!

Z puts in her head set and ignores me. I have another go at the Angry Cheese ,(Colby) I ask him if he thinks I could interview his brother and find out what kind of inmate is the Costco squatter. I also inform Angry Cheese that Costco squatter has given me a list and on it is ORGANIC peanut butter! And doesn’t he agree with me that he is rude to ask me to bring that to him?!

Angry Cheese mutters that to him the whole thing is weird. I decide to take the high road because for my future author debut I need the Angry Cheese in my corner.

Finally, I drop them off and head home. I scour Confused husband’s underwear drawer and find some shamrock boxer/ briefs and heart ones as well. I also score a pair with crabs on them which I purchased from a beach surf shop years ago. The irony of crabs on ones underwear cracks me up! I scoop these up and put them in a bag.

Exhausted from my underwear scavenger hunt, I head downstairs and pour myself a glass of wine. I go over my convo with the Costco squatter. I have to get him to trust me in order to get good material. Perhaps I will have to splurge on Organic peanut butter. I will sleep on this.

Confused husband enters the kitchen muttering something about how I no longer cook dinner and he and One too many are always starving. He begins to forge for food in the fridge.

I am pondering the dilemma of the Costco squatter. I notice that Confused husband has pulled out a container and grabs a spoon.He delves his spoon into the container, like a foreman working a backhoe at a construction site. He spoons great heaps into his mouth. I don’t have the heart to tell him that he is not consuming guacamole, but expired hummus that has turned green with mold.

Also, If I ever want to get my New York Times best seller written. I need to focus more on my book than what Confused husband is eating.

The next morning I head out. I leave One too many home to nurse Confused husband and his slight case of salmonella poisoning back to health. I have bigger fish to fry.