Chapter Seventy-two: Ma’am is not a Handmaid…..

They film lots of movies and shows here in DC. imagine my surprise when I am walking by the National mall and see two handmaids! I would recognize those costumes anywhere! Either they are filming The Handmaids tale or there is a pro choice rally. I follow the two woman who I am now positive are extras in the show! I want to be an extra too!!! My excitement builds as I accompany them. I notice that they keep turning around to see me behind  them. They are going to lead me to the shoot! As I walk, I begin to tweet out that I am going to be in The Handmaids Tale!

I text Confused husband to inform him of my latest escapade. Of course he cannot be happy and text back any words of encouragement! He responds:”Make sure that you are cast as a Martha, you cannot pull off being a Handmaid at your age .” Where is Aunt Lydia when you need her? She would most certainly take care of Confused husband for me!  (Note to self,:Lower AC to 65 tonight, and make sure that Confused husband has no blankets.)His snarky  ageism comment does not deserve a retort from me! I am full of glee! I totally can pull off the red cloak and white bonnet! I wonder if they will put me in a scene with Offred/ June who is now Ofjoseph? Once they see my talent maybe they will offer me a part on their show! I must tell them all about the book I am writing!

I skip in my haste to catch up with the other Handmaids. I see them talking to a Capital police officer. Perhaps they are telling him to let me pass as I am going to be on the show with them? They turn and point at me. I wave back enthusiastically. I quickly walk up to them. I can feel the smile spread across my face! The excitement builds.As I approach them, the two Handmaids step behind the officer. He asks me:”Why am I following them?” I respond:”Because I am a Handmaid too!” The officer stares at me like I am offering him fellatio in the park. My two co-maidens are whispering to one another. I demand to know:”What is going on?!”

Barney Fife  pipes up:”These two ladies claim that you are stalking them.” I cannot believe my ears! I attempt to explain that :”I am NOT stalking them! I am only following them to set!”The two woman whisper something to Fife, he tells me that they are two Amish women here on vacation. They are not Handmaids.” I am GOBSMACKED! Who knew Amish went on vacay?! I share with the Amish women that they need to watch The Handmaids Tale because they have identical costumes! The two women sourly say that:”These are not costumes!” (For Amish they are not very friendly!). Also, they point out that they cannot use electricity so therefore cannot watch anything. I ask them :”How can you live without ac!? Aren’t you hot in those capes?”

Now they look at me like I have just offered them crack. Barney Fife tells me to walk away and leave them alone. I ask Barney if he knows when and if they will be filming The Handmaids Tale here in DC? He shakes his head, and speeds away on his Segway like Paul Blart mall cop. The two Handmaid imposters then try to ask me for directions to a good place to eat, after what they just did to me?  I play possum at first, and  then decide I can maybe gather info  from them for my book. I escort them to my favorite Mexican restaurant in DC. On the walk over, I tell them about the “TO DIE FOR!” hibiscus margaritas! They have no idea what I am talking about. I feel like I am with two aliens from Mars and I am showing them Earth for the first time.

We sit and I tell them to let me do the ordering. Several margaritas in, I now have two drunk Amish women yelling at me that they didn’t know they were drinking alcohol! (They are not very pleasant drunks.) I excuse myself from this farce, and head home, keeping my eyes peeled for real Handmaids…