There is a kid in my neighborhood who rides his bike like a speed racer. He wears a bike helmet with horns like a Viking. I have dubbed him Thor the whistleblower. His parents thought it was a brilliant idea in lieu of a bell or bike horn to give the kid a rape whistle. He enjoys blowing this as he peddles like a mad man behind you. I have watched adults jump in fear and wet themselves when he speeds up behind them and blows on his whistle with all of his might. It is extremely frightening. Not to mention the fact that it is alerting those nearby that a potential assault may be occurring. To be the victim of the rape whistle when you are merely standing in the kid’s way is upsetting. People look at you like “Pervert, what were you doing to that boy?!”
Imagine being a man in a trench coat on a rainy day minding your own P’s & Q’s when that screeches up behind you? I have witnessed many victims of this. I decide to take matters into my own hands and confront Thor and his rape whistle one afternoon. I watch him tearing down the street leaving a cluster of startled and confused victim’s in his wake.
I peddle after him hearing Miss Gulch’s theme song from The Wizard of Oz in my head. I picture myself as her riding in fury and with purpose. Thor is blowing his rape whistle at squirrels, birds, dogs, leaving a carnage of deaf animals behind. I watch as a Fed-Ex delivery man jumps and drops his packages. I am sweaty, furious, and yes extremely out of breath. Finally, I catch up to Thor as he has stopped to drink some water.
Panting, I smile behind my mask and say: “Hi there! I like your bike! What’s your name?”
He eyes me suspiciously and sips his water. I continue: “So I notice that you are always blowing your whistle. It is so loud and high-pitched that it hurts our ears and startles us! Did you know it’s for emergencies only? Also, why don’t you get a bell to ring when you need pedestrians to move over when you are riding(I ring my bell to demonstrate.) Or you could just say: “Excuse me to your left!”
Thor continues to drink his water and eyes me up and down. I see this is going nowhere, so I change tactics. “Do you have a dog? Can you imagine how that hurts a dog’s ears? That range of your whistle is super high! Also, if you keep blowing it when it’s really an emergency then, no one will know that and come to help you if you need it.”
I wait hoping some of this has registered. He continues to watch me, saying nothing. This is awkward and super uncomfortable now. He puts the top back on his water bottle, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He stares at me defiantly and in one fell swoop, blows on his rape whistle like he is a lone victim in the prison yard about to be gang banged.
People come running and I feel like I am about to become Tessie in The Lottery. Thor continuous his diatribe of whistle. I am SHOCKED! I hop back on my bike and peddle hastily like a maniac. I don’t stop until I am several blocks away! That little SHIT! I am fuming AND sweaty. Unsure of what to do.
I arrive home, huffing and puffing. I find Confused Husband on the stoop. He says:” I just heard that some kid was approached by an old pedophile woman! Thank goodness he had his rape whistle! Maybe I should get you one?”