Chapter Eighty-Seven: Portraits on baked goods…

You know those crazy stories where people see Jesus on a potato chip or toast? Well, I never saw Jesus’ portrait on one. Although once, I am pretty sure I saw Paul Anka on a Cinnabun. I find Confused Husband staring at his croissant, deep in thought. I ask him is he searching for the meaning of life within his croissant? He informs me that his croissant looks like Liza Minnelli. He thrusts his croissant in my face. I don’t see Liza, but I see a smidgen of Elton John. At this comment, Confused Husband stares deeper at his croissant, he has a look of bewilderment on his face. Sighing dramatically he turns it and  says: “Now it looks like Samuel L. Jackson!”

This is what you can call our farewell tour of carbs. We have decided to go on the Keto diet. Hence, no more sugar, no more grains, no more carbohydrates. My last supper, or carb if you will is a Napoleon. I CANNOT express how much I LOVE  a good Napoleon! With tears of sorrow, I inhale my Napoleon. Like an old friend that I will never see again, with the final bite, I bid my Napoleon a fond adieu.  I watch Confused Husband sobbing over his dessert de Choix, Mr. Samuel L. Jackson. He whispers parting words to his baked good, and then like a Great White shark inhaling a surfer he shoves what remains of Samuel L. Jackson into his mouth.

Fast forward to one week later. Exhausted from grazing on lettuce and pretending that The Quaker Oats man in my pantry is not taunting me with his damn smirk every time I open the pantry door to eat my allotted seeds or Aunt Jemima is not teasing me with her: “I know you want me look.” I am also backed up like the Holland Tunnel at rush hour. Apparently, Confused Husband is not having the same issues. He brags about how he is “regular” right on schedule like a reliable train. I  notice that he is also prancing around in his “skinny” sweats. Munching on some almond nuts and posing he asks:” How am I feeling?” I want to throttle him! My stomach is so bloated, I look like I am eight months pregnant. I glare at him and munch on my lettuce leaf which kind of looks like Freddy Krueger with all of its creases. He shares that he weighed himself in the drugstore, and has dropped a whole three pounds! I pray he chokes on one of his almond nuts and in my current bloated state, will inform Homicide Detectives that I was unable to perform the Heimlich maneuver due to my monumental belly. He does lunges out of the room, and I sit there chewing on Freddy Krueger like a cow chewing its cud…

 

 

Chapter Eighty-Six: Ma’am and the vagina candle…

Apparently there is a candle that smells like a vagina. Yes, this is not a typo about a candle that smells like Virginia. It is vagina. Word has it, that it sold out as well. I have lots of zingers for this, like desperate men that couldn’t get a woman, blow up dolls were too expensive but they could afford the candle because I mean all they want is the vagina anyway. I am dumbfounded what sells and how people make money so quickly. Attach a celebrity name to anything and VOILÀ ! Instant success. I mean if Jane Doe from say Milwaukee made a candle that smelt like her vagina and attempted to sell it, she would be serving ten to life or locked away in a mental facility. What is wrong with this picture? But because its Gwyneth Paltrow, then that makes it okay?

Struggling writers such as the author penning this fabulous blog, watch reality so-called celebs get six figure book deals, when you know they can’t even recite the alphabet! But there they are plugging their NYT best-seller on the latest morning show. Meanwhile, Mildred dressed in her robe, sitting in her basement apartment was the ghost writer for this ding a ling, and gets none of the credit. I just don’t get it.

Motto of story, do a sex tape and or vlog doing something absurd. Instagram yourself having a bowel movement. Create a candle that smells like your vay-jay-jay and you too can be rich! As long as you are famous. This candle has inspired me I must say, although I am not a celebrity. I am thinking of creating The Ear Wax candle……