Chapter Forty: Ma’am is critiqued

Confused husband and Detective Relish are having some bromance thing going on. They are sitting there discussing my involvement in yesterday’s protest.  Again, they talk like I am not in the room.  I leave and head out.  The last thing I hear is Confused husband offering Relish a danish.
I try to put the  bromance going on in my house aside, and focus on my driving.  Blanche informs me I am headed to pick up Mot.

I enjoy food.  I love going out to restaurants. Looking back on my life, I should have become a food critic.  Imagine my joy, when my passenger Mot turns out to be the number one food critic in DC!  I am beyond thrilled!  I am like a groupie with a rock star!  I cannot believe how well we hit it off!  Before I know it,  we are bonding like two long lost friends. Mot and  I swap contact info and agree to catch up one day next week.

Confused husband enjoys cooking .I decide to host a dinner party and invite my new found passenger friends.  I don’t tell Confused husband that DC’ s number one food critic will be in attendance.  I also make some stealth dishes myself.  (Although Confused husband never agrees with me on this.)

I decide to do dessert and let Confused husband handle dinner.  He slaves away cooking all day.  He is also trying to watch his soccer game on tv.  I worry that he is not paying attention to the meal at hand.  I want everything to be perfect!  Confused husband wants to open up a restaurant and this may be his ticket.

My kitchen is a mess, Confused husband may be a chef but he has absolutely no cleaning skills.  Herbs are sprinkled all over my counter tops resembling a pot party in college.  I try to clean up before our guests arrive.

Our dinner party is a huge hit!  The conversation flows as easily as the wine. People seem to be enjoying themselves and the food.  Confused husband has a huge grin on his face, I observe him sitting there taking it all in.  Just before dessert the doorbell rings.  It is my arch nemeses Detective Relish!

Relish informs me that Confused husband has invited him over when he got off his shift. He is here just in time for dessert.  I am about to go to jail for homicide.  I glare at Confused husband who is all excited to see Relish.
Dessert is awkward, I violently cut into my lemon zest cheesecake like  it is Confused husband.  I torch my lavender crème brûlée, imagining it is Relish.
I serve with such gusto and exuberance that I almost set the table on fire with my blowtorch.

My passengers/ dinner guests are all telling Relish how they met me.  I feel as though he is conducting a police interview in my home and I don’t like it.  I hear Xi who up until this moment didn’t seem to speak English.  But now, is informing Relish in perfect English, how I parked illegally at the protest. Wasn’t (in Xi’s opinion), a good driver, took the corners too heavily, and wrinkled their flags by cramming them in my trunk. I am flabbergasted at Xi’s repertoire!  All of a sudden I hear a murmur of agreement among my passengers/ guests about my apparently less than stellar driving skills.  I am shocked at how quickly these people have turned on me!  I see Confused husband acting out me driving, and the roar of laughter that follows.
I walk up to Confused husband and say:”Et tu, Brute?”