Everyone is talking about how many babies will be made during this Coronavirus time. Making it like it’s soooo romantic to be isolated with your significant other. All lovey-dovey and fun like a Rom-Com movie. Perhaps someone will burst out in song and cartoon birds will fly around singing whilst squirrels clean my house. I have just as much a chance of that happening as Publishers Clearing House knocking on my door!
Let’s look at the reality of this. I wonder how many divorces will happen after the isolation period is removed? I find Confused Husband STILL on the couch, he has morphed into one of the cushions. I check him for a pulse. His eyes are glazed over, and his isolation/quarantine ensemble consists of socks, boxer/briefs, and a ratty t-shirt. The living room has become in my opinion ground zero for the virus to thrive. There are plates, utensils, coffee mugs you name it scattered and piled on the coffee table. There are no coasters, placemats, NADA! Manners and proper etiquette have gone out the window. The curtains are drawn, there are no lights on to decipher if it is day or night.
The TV is blasting what I think is the same sports game that he has been watching for days. Although the dog is in heaven, he has stumbled upon his own buffet! He scavengers under, around, next to the couch and discovers pizza crust next to a chicken wing, which is on top of a partially eaten bagel.
Looking on Twitter, Instagram, etc… I see all of these families during this isolation period, looking like they have stepped out of a catalog. They are posting smiling well dressed and showered folks. Building additions to their homes, painting walls, organizing pantries, creating a new walk-in closet that mom has always wanted. Cooking gourmet meals together, playing family board games, little Johnny has taken up the saxophone and(I guess they JUST happened to have a sax laying around) now he plays according to Muffy’s saccharine drenched post like John Coltrane! Binky has become a master chef at the ripe old age of nine! According to these posts, this is the BEST, most productive time spent ever!
I look at Confused Husband who I think probably has lost all circulation in his appendages having not used them for days. Will I soon have to feed him through a straw? I head upstairs and find teenage son in the same attire as his father(apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree!). He is gaming like there is no tomorrow! At least he is MOVING! Headset on, controller in hand, mic visible. He is shouting into his mic to his friends about how he needs backup. On-screen I see an apocalyptic scene and a character who I assume is my son fighting off aliens.
This is my reality! I need to embrace it! I will write a best selling novel!”Love in the time of Coronavirus!” But, first Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad…