It is that time of year again. Crisp air, leaves changing color, fall festivals, and the most controversial autumnal topic known to mankind. The infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte debate. Born of legends, a part of American fall culture and folklore, you either love it or hate it, there is no in-between. The divorce causing, friendship over, job quitting, employee firing, more controversial than the current political climate the “Pumpkin Spice Latte’s” debacle is tearing families apart, causing war in states, this is what the media should be focusing on. You either love them or hate them. There is no in-between. There are the infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte Resisters who shame you if you order one. Then there are the others who love them and like a bad addiction hide their secret of being a Pumpkin Spice Latte Lover. It is equivalent to having an affair in most homes. I surmise it is like being a compulsive gambler and living in Vegas, walking into a Starbucks and NEEDING to order your Pumpkin Spice Latte no matter the aftermath of ones actions. Disregarding the damage your choice of beverage makes. You are selfish, you are an addict, and there is no stopping you and your craving.
I head to our local coffee shop and stand in line. When it’s my turn I order a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I say it proudly and without hesitation. The man behind me snorts in disgust, as though I have just defecated on his croissant. I am Pumpkin Spice Latte shamed. I feel like Hester Prynne in the Scarlet letter. A scandalous murmur ripples throughout the coffee shop, heads turn, fingers point. Even the barista looks at me with contempt. I am surrounded by anti-Pumpkin Spice Latte resistors. FYI I never got the memo to join the Anti-Pumpkin Spice Latte resistance! Why am I being shamed for my taste of beverage? In the corner of the coffee shop, I spy Confused Husband trying to hide from me. I shoot him a look and he pretends to be very interested in reading the words on his cup. I will deal with him later.
My beverage of choice is ready, broadcast all over the shop like an announcer at a boxing match. Also, Howard Cosell at the bar has bellowed: ” VENTI PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE”. I do the walk of shame. People part ways to clear me a path as though I am Moses parting the Red Sea. Dirty looks are shot in my direction, and evil eyes of utter disappointment by complete strangers are gifted to me. I shyly pick up my cup of controversy and attempt to thank the mouth behind the counter who has turned me into a character in the cast of Les Mis, instead of pitchforks, I will be assaulted with coffee stirrers and paper straws.
Fall used to be about Pagan rituals, Halloween, bobbing for apples, costumes, candy and pumpkins. Now it is all about shaming one over their beverage choice. The discrimination I have felt over loving Pumpkin Spice Latte’s is sinful! Now I know how Guy Fawkes must have felt! I am treated like a treasonous character. I am alone in my fight to make Pumpkin Spice Lattes a popular uncontroversial choice of beverage. It is my lot in life, and I must accept it. I will fight for all of us Pumpkin Spice Latte lovers! I will become our voice! I will hold protests and rallies and call for all of us to be equal with the Caramel Macchiato peeps! It will be a movement!
I head home and Google how to start an organization! #PUMPKINPEOPLE, #USTOO are some hash tags I am thinking of. On Next Door I post my new organization and anyone wanting to join. I sit and wait to see if anyone is brave enough to sign up. I am Pumpkin Latte shamed by people using aliases. Ramon526 tells me to move to Russia. I don’t get it and have no desire to respond to him(I also suspect that Ramon is really Dr. Wexler the neighborhood dentist.) Note to self; Change dentists. Another chimes in that I am a loser for drinking that. I can’t believe my neighbors are so mean! Finally, after a barrage of nasty comments I receive a message from Phil@mom’shouse, he joins and now we are two! I also realize that obviously there has to be more than just the two of us. We agree to have a secret meeting in hopes some others are brave enough o join our movement. We agree to meet at the faux pumpkin patch in front of the Whole Foods.
I find a ridiculously extra large pumpkin to sit on. I also felt brave enough to order TWO Pumpkin spice lattes, one for my new friend in arms! I wait… I finally receive a text from Phil@mom’shouse. He informs me that his mom won’t let him come it’s too dangerous. WTF?!
I am Charlie Brown sitting in the pumpkin patch with my TWO Pumpkin Spice latte’s waiting for the Great Pumpkin…