Chapter One Hundred Forty-Six: Ma’am in the Amazon jungle…

In the middle of the night, I get an alert on my phone. Next to me, Confused Husband stirs and asks:” Is that a tornado siren?” I tell him:” Go back to sleep Dorothy! Where do you think we live? Friggin Kansas?!” 

The wailing siren is not an Amber, weather, or police signal. But an alert from Amazon that they obviously, felt was imperative that I receive. A soooo important item they perceived I needed to have, that they had a call to arms to wake me to do so. 

Like a deranged Alice, I dive headfirst into the Amazon rabbit hole and click on the link. At first, to my sleepy eyes, it looks like a tent that could house a family of four. For a brief moment, I wonder if my Amazon Aunt Lydia(AKA my Amazon handler) has decided I needed to try camping. As I have never searched or shopped anything remotely related to camping.

I then adjust my eyes to focus in on ENORMOUS granny underwear. They are massive and could have their own zip- code! At first, I am impressed and wonder how Amazon knew I became a grandmother?!! My awe lasts for about a second as my anger builds! How dare they think I NEED or would wear these Hindenburg size undies?! I am furious at all the MILLIONS of items my Amazon Aunt Lydia could have chosen this is what she picked for me! 

I search for a contact in customer service and begin my scolding email.

 Dear Amazon Aunt Lydia,

Perhaps you had too much Brandy after dinner. Shame on you for suggesting these enormous, unflattering, grandma underwear! Just because I recently became a grandmother doesn’t mean I need suggestions from you like gigantic underwear, denture stuff( I have my own choppers thank you VERY MUCH!). And whatever other old lady items you feel I need at this juncture in my life! I became a new grandmother overnight! I didn’t turn into Betty White!

My disappointment in you is HUMONGOUS (like the underwear you suggested). Our simpatico relationship was one of the few in my life I could count on. What a letdown of enormous proportion ( like the undies). We always had a nice, uncomplicated relationship. I clicked, searched, and purchased! You cheered me on with your words of encouragement and polite comments like; Thank you for your purchase! It’s on its way!

You always counted on me for a review! I considered myself the Siskel and Ebert of Amazon reviews! Now, I perceived our relationship has drastically changed. I used to feel when I was deep in the Amazon jungle, you were my machete. Helping me hack through all of the weeds to find the path. I realize this was a rouse. You Amazon Aunt Lydia have insulted me with your suggestion tonight ( mind you that woke me up just as George Clooney was informing me he left Amal for me!)

If Hulu or Netflix had a shopping empire, TRUST me, I would be heading over to them as a customer. When I finish this email, I will be contacting them with my suggestions that they too start a shopping empire.

Tsk, tsk.