Chapter sixty-nine: Ma’am’s fridge is a science experiment…

My session with the witch was interesting. Her name was Starla. She told me that after reading my palms, her tarot cards, and my aura, she determined there is a giant cloud of confusion around me. I could have told her that if she just asked. She gave me a potion that smells like lavender. I am to spray this around me, and in my car. She says it will clear the cloud of confusion. I ask her if this potion will help me to lose weight as well. Starla informs me that for another $39.99 she will give me special oil made out of rose hip. I am to put two drops in all of my liquids. I inquire if that includes alcoholic beverages as well? Starla says most definitely.

Eighty plus bucks spent. I head home with my potions. I arrive home to witness One too many in a white lab coat with his swimming goggles on. Sitting at the kitchen island are his audience of Confused husband, Relish, and our permanent house guest Fritz.

I over hear One too many telling his enthralled audience that the germ samples he has swabbed from our fridge and brought into his science class for evaluation are; (according to his science teacher’s analysis) viruses found in third world countries, and at one time thought to be extinct. Upon hearing this declaration, a giant shit eating grin spreads across Confused husband’s face, like he has just been told our fridge harbors the meaning of life.

Fritz looks perplexed, and Relish looks nauseous as he realizes how many times he has eaten stuff from our treasure trove of a fridge.

Sarcastically, I ask the stooges if instead of sitting there like they are watching an episode of Bill Nye the science guy, they could assist One too many clean out the fridge.

They look at me, like I have just asked them to commit a crime. Confused husband suggests that I perhaps take a cooking class. Then, he continues to say that if my dishes were more appealing that there wouldn’t be any leftovers, hence no Tupperware science experiments growing in fridge.

I am gob smacked that this is Confused husbands logic. But, after pondering the source for a second, I am not surprised this is his summation. The other numbskulls nod their heads in agreement.

I should have asked Starla the witch for disappearing potions…

Chapter Sixty-eight: Is Ma’am a witty raconteur?

Confused husband and company head out to their meth lab and Deliverance reenactment. I on the other hand, head to Foggy Bottom. On the way, I stop and pick up passengers. I share with them where I am heading.

One in particular fellow named Chaz tells me that he would love to accompany me on my witch visit. I say, “Why not? the more the merrier!

Chaz says that I am so cool and wise! He dubs me the “Witty Raconteur”. I am flattered and do my best to live up to that title! (must Google: Witty Raconteur later). We head to Foggy Bottom musing over what we think our visit will be.

Chaz shares that recently he went through a bad breakup. He would like nothing better than to put a hex on his ex and his brother. I ask why his brother? Chaz says his brother ran off with his fiancé after impregnating her, while he was in a coma. I say I have never heard of any person having sex while in a coma, unless it was some Dateline exposé and the people were hospital or nursing home employees preying upon their comatose patients.

Chaz informs me that he was in a coma and his brother slept with his fiancée. I ask Chaz how he became comatose and he tells me that he and his brother were skate boarding and his brother “accidentally” slammed into him and knocked him into a coma.

I tell Chaz that I am sure his brother didn’t do it on purpose, and his brother and fiancée had to move on when he was in a coma. I said you know the months and years go by, and they probably grew close, and thought you would never wake up.

Chaz then informs me that he was only in a coma for TWO days! I tell Chaz that technically he wasn’t even in a coma, just knocked out.

Upon hearing this, Chaz loses his marbles! He tells me that along with putting a hex on his brother and ex, he is going to put one on me as well! He curses my tongue and I am pretty sure he used some Harry Potter spells. He tells me that I am no longer a Witty Raconteur. I have been demoted to Unappreciated Raconteur. I slam on the brakes and tell Chaz to exit the vehicle. He tells me that he will see me in hell!

He jumps out of my car and I give him one star. I zoom towards Foggy Bottom….