The most important relationship a woman can have is not with her spouse, child, parent, or sibling; naturally, those relationships are paramount, but the most crucial relationship a woman can have within her life is with her hairdresser.
It is fundamentally the most sacred relationship and, for many, the longest she will ever have. Just think about it; throughout this particular relationship we nurture, we court if, you will, our hairdresser. We want them to like us and aim to please them, so they are always in our corner.
Our hairdressers are like celebrities in our lives and our confidants, having seen us at our absolute best and worst, knowing things about us that not even our closest friends are privy to.
Having been there figuratively for all of those big moments in our lives whether; a wedding, birth, or any momentous occasion, coiffing us for all of it. They smile politely next appointment as we share photos of our event with them. tell them our deepest darkest secrets, never judging, nor do they make us feel like what we are sharing isn’t relative. The expression on their face piqued interest. We are being heard, we matter.
They are the keeper of our secrets.
My friend( let’s call her X to protect her from being black-balled within the coiffure community) appears at my door one night. She is hysterical and disheveled, blubbering on, about how he broke up with her because she was always late or missed an appointment or two. X NEVER thought he would break up with or leave her because of her inability to be prompt. Then she blathers something about a work trip and a guy named Ramon who HAD to zhuzh her up in Toronto. (OMG! is she saying she had an affair during a work trip?!). Following X’s puddle of blathering is like following Helen Keller down a mine shaft.
I am GOBSMACKED! We just had dinner with X and Walter a week ago! As I pour X wine, I frantically text Confused Husband to tell him that X and Walter have split up and him being Walter’s friend, he needs to call Walter and get his side.
He texts back an angry emoji and informs me that he is “working”. I text back that at the rate our friends are splitting up, he better get on this as all we now have left as couples are my girlfriend Crazy Mary, and her latest:” squeeze” Stavros whom she met on some dating app. This seems to send Confused Husband into a tailspin of all of a sudden helping keep these two together.
I turn my attention back to X and ask her to start at the beginning. She guzzles her wine and says:” Well, we have been together for over 10 years( wait, I thought they were married for 15?) I attempt to interrupt, but she has turrets of the mouth. She shares how the first time he touched her hair, she knew he was the one! ( Funny, I can’t picture Walter even noticing X’s hair, let alone touching it.)
X shares how he not only makes her feel beautiful on the outside, but he listens to her without judgment (Wow!, I really underestimated Walter this entire time. All, the guy could seem to talk about was the red light cameras they installed throughout the city, and the best happy hour place. I am alarmed at how much depth he seems to have.)
X continues to list all of Walter’s attributes from his fashion sense(if you’re into the burly lumberjack look). I feel like we are talking about two different people. I offer to pour us more wine and take this moment of reprieve to text Confused Husband.
He sends me a text all in caps with hundreds of exclamation points. It reads: CALLED WALTER ABOUT THE BREAKUP TO GIVE MY CONDOLENCES. WALTER HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE BREAKING UP!!!!!! HE SAID THEY WERE PLANNING TO NETFLIX BINGE ALL WEEKEND AND EAT CHINESE. HE IS DEVASTATED!!!!! MEETING HIM FOR HAPPY HOUR AND TO HELP FIND A GOOD DIVORCE ATTORNEY. (HE THINKS SOME GUY ON HIS PICKLEBALL TEAM IS EITHER A DIVORCE ATTORNEY OR A BAILIFF, AS HE WAS TOO DISTRAUGHT TO FOCUS. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME THE MESSENGER OF RUINING SOMEONE’S LIFE!!!!! MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU COULD MAKE SURE BOTH PARTIES ARE AWARE THAT THEY ARE GETTING A DIVORCE BEFORE YOU HAVE ME RANDOMLY TEXT THEM LIKE I AM SHARING A GAME SCORE? AS USUAL, YOU HAVE THROWN ME INTO ANOTHER STEW OF NONSENSE!!!!!!
Well someone is mister cranky-pants. Like how am I supposed to know X hasn’t shared her divorce plans with Walter? No good deed… I head back to the sofa where X is now sprawled out muttering things like”root touch-up, blow-out, Ramon.”(She really is distraught.) I decide to not share that Confused Husband has informed Walter of their impending divorce. So instead, I ask her: “What are your plans now?” She sighs heavily and says: “Well, I suppose you have to call Ibo and put in a good word for me!” Now I am so confused! What does my hairdresser have to do with her divorce?
I smile and sip my wine. Exactly, what are we talking about here? I approach the topic at hand. “So tell me about Ramon.” She looks up from the throw pillow which has an imprint of her makeup face on it. “Who cares about Ramon! He was a one-time thing! He didn’t even do it right. It was a disaster. I doubt he ever had done it before, I bet it was his first time. I could tell by the way his hands shook, he also burnt my earlobe.”(What in the hell kind of S&M is my friend into?!). I have no words.
“I REALLY need you to call Ibo!” She reiterates. Okay, now this is getting weird. I take some liquid courage and ask: “Why would I call Ibo?” Again she lifts her face from my now destroyed throw cushion.: “Because I NEED him!” I am TOTALLY befuddled. I gingerly ask: “I am uncertain as to what Ibo can do in this situation, to help you.”
X moans and grunts. She sits up. : “Look I get it. You think because of what happened between me and Devon,(who the FUCK is Devon?! how did I not know my friend was such a slut?) that I am going to do it to Ibo too. I get it, it’s survival of the fittest, you don’t want me to ruin what you and Ibo have but, I need Ibo right now!”
I need to get off this Crazy train. : “X who is Devon?” She chugs her remaining wine. “What do you mean who is Devon? my hairdresser! Who do you think we have been talking about this entire time?” I am SHOOKETH! uh-oh. I picture Confused Husband and Walter pouring over divorce attorneys on their phones while munching on chicken wings.
“Devon broke up with me! He said that I was late too many times. He felt disrespected. and then when he saw Ramon’s handiwork. He felt so betrayed! He terminated our relationship.” X begins to sob.
WTF?! Cleanup in Aisle Walter. Also, I love X but I LOVE Ibo more! I NEED Ibo. I can’t risk X screwing up what Ibo and I have. She has a better chance of Edward Scissorhands cutting her hair than Ibo. I feel like Sophie in Sophie’s Choice. I MUST pick Ibo. I attempt to change the subject and say:” Ummm, you may want to call Walter and tell him you are not getting a divorce…
Out Of My Head! 