Celebrities get away with a lot. Even though they are millionaires, they also get free swag and are gifted copious amounts of expensively outrageous items. Then, there are the rules that apply to you and me. If one of us did ANY of the ridiculous things celebrities do AND get away with, we would be wearing orange and Large Marg’s best friend in the penitentiary.
For example: If Helen from Omaha were to announce that she was creating a candle that smelt like her vagina, she most certainly would be arrested and blackballed by the PTA. The local authorities would confiscate her low-budget infomercials filmed in her basement by her husband Harold and his comb-over hair like they raided a porn film site. Selling a vagina-scented candle and describing it as the more it melts the more vagina-like it smells would give Skippy the local prosecutor all the ammo he needed to shut the whole operation down. Helen and Harold would be ostracized within their community, forced to sell their home and move Nancy, their awkward teenage daughter, and Harold Jr. into new schools. Years later we wouldn’t see Nancy plugging her best-selling book titled:” My mother’s vagina ruined my life” Or Harold Junior’s pictures blasted all over the tabloids because he is a raging alcoholic and bounces from rehab to rehab. Trust me, no one cares about these boring people and their children with their boring names. But, if they were celebrities, even Wolf Blitzer would be doing a news piece on them.
Speaking of names, celebrities can get away with naming their child anything they think of. Pilot, Apple,X Æ A-12. If the Stubbs family from Little Rock named their son X Æ A-12. Surely social services would be called on them. Imagine the moniker X Æ A-12 Stubbs.
Flo and Roger who hail from Kenosha were bored one weekend and decided to make a sex tape. But, Roger is a dufus and accidentally returned it to the one and only video store that still rents out videos to those who have VCRs. Roger is cheap, therefore they never upgrade their electronics. He still uses a flip phone. Like wildfire, the tape is seen by the entire town. Flo and Roger become local celebrities, but NOT in a good way. There are no monetary offers or fast food commercials. Victoria’s Secret is not sending boxes full of lingerie for Flo to enjoy. Roger is not seen on talk shows being high-fived by the douchy male host. There is no offer from the E channel of “Keeping up in Kenosha.” Instead, they are shunned by their community and have to shop in the Walmart twenty miles away from their home out of embarrassment. One eyewitness has described Flo and Rogers’s social outings as sounding eerily familiar like the stoning scene in the book The Lottery by Shirley Booth. Flo and Roger had to move out of Kenosha and rumor has it took their VCR with them.
Farmer Dan drives his pickup around his peanut farm outside of Tuscaloosa. His truck has no AC and therefore, windows down, shirtless he drives. It is a lonely job and farmer Dan has an out-loud daily dialogue with himself. Many local townsfolk have seen Farmer Dan talking to himself. There have been town hall meetings about his daily soliloquy and what to do about this odd behavior. Farmer Dan isn’t asked to film a commercial in a fancy car, that has AC and new-age background music, talking out loud to himself nope, Farmer Dan doesn’t receive a HUMUNGOUS check. Unbeknownst to Farmer Dan the town doctor is filing papers to have him committed to the local sanitarium.
Kitty in Phoenix is a breakfast cereal expert. She spends a lot of her grocery money on buying cereal. She writes poems and letters to the various cereal companies expressing her love for the boxes of goodness and admits to her crushing on some of the cereal mascots. She is not sent free cereal. Instead, she is served restraining orders by the multi-billion-dollar cereal attorneys. Basically, Kitty is labeled a stalker. Because of her now less-than-stellar record, Kitty is let-go from her job at the local library. Kitty never asked for a menage a trois with Snap, Crackle, and Pop(which I guess would make it a menage a quatre.) She didn’t pull rank with Cap’n Crunch by calling him Major. Kitty didn’t make fun of the Lucky Charms leprechaun’s height. She didn’t shame Tony the Tiger for running around sans trousers.
Doris and Frank from Des Moines, consider themselves professional DIY people. Doris has been known to brag about her incredible ability with a glue gun. She bedazzles EVERYTHING! They post their DIY stories on Tik Tok. They decide to bedazzle their bland couch. It takes over three days and hundreds of thousands of rhinestones. This project was not well thought out. The couch is no longer viable to sit on because of the sharp gems. Several days after their epic bedazzle project fail, Doris and Frank announce on Tik Tok that their beloved cat Mitzie and three-legged rescue dog Pepper passed away after consuming some of the bedazzled couch cushions. Their viewers are outraged! They send PETA and the local Humane society after them. Doris and Frank are banned for life from adopting any furry friends. Frank has a glimmer of hope after he notices a loophole in their predicament. It says, furry friends. Frank suggests to Doris that they get a Giant Tortoise. She is not on board until he mentions that she could bedazzle its shell.
Confused Husband is lamenting about our finances. He tells me to think of a side hustle. I tell him that a sex tape is out, bedazzling our sofa, or renaming our grown children some ridiculous moniker, is NEVER happening. I add that I have no intention of making a vagina candle either so what are our options? I also point out that he is not Walter White. He just stares at me and says:” Are you drunk?”
Out Of My Head! 