I am constantly being mistaken for someone else. I would love it if I was mistaken for say, Nicole Kidman, or the doppelganger of Charlize Theron. Alas, I am continuously incorrectly identified as any other middle-aged blonde woman in DC. Point proved when I am at One too many’s back to school night. There are four levels in his school and a myriad of corridors. I huff and puff my way from the basement level, to the fourth floor. Upon arriving, sweaty and out of breath, I am informed that the teacher is not there. I have a good 10-12 minutes to rest and catch my breath. I plop down in a chair in the empty classroom. I am soon joined by an elderly gentleman. I can’t figure out if he is the grandfather of a student or an older father on his second family with his trophy wife(this is after all the modus operandi within our society).
He plunks down next to me. Right away, it is a case of mistaken identity. He smiles and says: “As you know, Peaches and I were summering at our home on the Vineyard.” I am too tired to protest and actually want to find out more about this Peaches person. I vigorously nod my head in agreement. At this affirmation, he continues: “We, of course, had our annual end of the summer Clam bake. It goes without saying how Peaches LOVES her seafood! Especially lobster! (again I enthusiastically nod yes.) Well, this year, as you are aware, Binky shared that Malcolm was in a slump because of his poor investment choices which sidebar I had warned him against, but you know how stubborn Malcolm can be!”
Again I nod in agreement: ” Anywho, Binky asked Peaches if I would communicate to Malcolm about our new purchase, you know how Malcolm enjoys water toys.” This time I actually say: “Yes! we all know about Malcolm’s love of water toys!”
Nodding, he continues: “So I say Redmond when the time is appropriate walk yourself over to Malcolm and give him some joy by talking about your new purchase!” (I now learn that he is Redmond and referring to himself in the third person.)
“I saunter over to Malcolm and per Malcolm and his usual behavior, find him stuffing his face with Peaches’ lobster and sucking down my Dom. I always order extra Dom as you know how Malcolm fancies himself a lot of drink!” (I cluck my tongue in agreement!)
“I tap Malcolm on the shoulder, and he turns with his mouthful of lobster and butter dripping down his chin, which is a thing to behold! But, not in a good way! Terrible table manners that Malcolm has! I think he was perhaps raised in a barn in rural Pennsylvania, although don’t quote me on that! Have to ask Peaches to ask Binky.”(I echo: “yes, rural Pennsylvania.”).
“Oh, so you heard that too? I believe someone at the club told me that, not sure if it was Jerry or Phil. Long story short, I overlook Malcolm eating like a neanderthal and sucking down my Dom from a bottle mind you!”( I feign what I hope is a look of horror at this announcement.) It seems to have worked as Redmond continues.
” I say Malcolm did you hear about our seventy-five-foot purchase? but because Malcolm’s mouth is stuffed with Peaches lobster he just nods his head. I continue and say, yes we decided on a good size vessel! Malcolm takes a giant swig of my Dom and says: “Why did you get such a small vessel?” I tell you, I cannot believe this guy! Imagine Malcolm telling me that I have a small vessel?!” Finally, Redmond pauses. I stand up and say: “Everyone at the club knows you have a small vessel Redmond.” and walk away……